Thursday, January 26, 2012

Part 2 of 2. Conclusion & Final Giveaways

Thank you for joining me as I conclude my story.  Please note that what follows is personal. So personal that I wonder how it will be to look certain people in the eyes after this. If you do run into me in the near future, lets keep things light and casual. What I mean is, lets not make things more uncomfortable than they have to be. Thanks.

The 3rd day all four of us decided to take a hike. I really enjoyed this hike. We shim-meed our way through slot canyons and I felt like a true adventurer with my walking stick.  The canyons opened up to a bowl shaped valley. We ventured down and the sun shined down on us in full force. I brought water with me but because of my “condition” I chose to not drink as much as I knew I should. The less peeing the better. I started to get dizzy and hot. We made the decision to head back.

As soon as we returned to the campsite, Anthony and his Mom decided they wanted to hike the cliff by the snake trail. Me and his step-dad did not find that appealing in the slightest. We said our farewells and off they went. Me and Dad in law gathered some snacks, some books and music and sat in the living room together. This gets old after awhile. The books I brought were not the best selections and you can only listen to Glee for so long, especially when you can’t sing out loud. I guess I could have, but Dad in law probably wouldn’t have appreciated it. 

I got tired. I decided to go lie down in the tent and see if I could pass the time with a nap. The tent was a mess. I am not a great housewife nor am I great at keeping a tent organized for more than a day. There were candy wrappers everywhere and grocery bags filled with all sorts of camping amenities, items necessary for my survival.  

I started to drift off to sleep when it happened. The moment all people dread.  The stomach cramps. They were intense. I relate them to labor contractions. They get closer and closer together until the birth…..of something much less pleasant than a baby.  I thought it would pass. It didn’t. I shot up and through the hot sweats I gathered a plan……GROCERY BAG!  Did I mention that not only was I going to violently poo in a bag in my tiny tent home but I also started to fill bile rise in my throat? It was awful! I prayed that the father in law had his volume up high on his player. Can he hear this? I pood and threw up a little in a separate bag. Thank goodness for those grocery bags. I was then graced with another miracle. I brought baby wipes. I cleaned up and then I sat there in my smelly tent with my bundle and weighed the options. Do I leave it in the tent til we leave tomorrow? No, the smell will consume us. I must get rid of the evidence. 

Please remember that this place is desolate. There is no place to put your garbage. We didn't even have a fire to burn stuff (not that I would ever burn my poo. Can you imagine the horror?) I took the bag and casually placed it in the community family garbage bag hanging from the tree in our living room.  I then sat in my lawn chair with my book and reviewed what had happened. How did it come to this? If I was normal, if I could just pee and poo like everyone else I wouldn’t have stressed out and gone in the tent.  I was angry with myself, I was angry with Groover and I was angry with Anthony for thinking I could handle this kind of situation.

The sun started to creep across the horizon and the father in law continued to chase the shade……closer and closer to the garbage bag. I thought I was going to pass out as I thought of him discovering an unpleasant scent.  I tried to continue to read my book but I was so distracted by the black bag and its contents. 

Anthony and his Mom arrived. They looked exhausted but they survived the daring hike. After Anthony got refreshed with water and snacks I pulled him aside and relayed the horrifying incident that occurred while he was away. Needless to say he was not impressed.....not at all. In fact, I remember him asking me if I was serious more than once.

The day was drawing to an end and the parents were conversing about what to do with the garbage bag. Anthony and I looked at each other…..”What do you mean?”  We were horrified to find that the previous night an animal tore open the previous garbage bag and they wanted to prevent this from happening again. The last thing I wanted was my poo strung all over the dirt floor, so I quickly agreed. “We will just put the garbage bag in the vehicle and haul it out tomorrow on our way home.”

WHAT? Panic mode. Not only did I not want to sit next to my bundle all 4 hours of the dirt road as we sloshed back and forth on the rough terrain, but I also knew that after it sat all night in the hot car it would inevitably reek. “What is that smell, is it something in the garbage bag? What did we cook yesterday that would start spoiling already?”  

We were leaving early in the morning and they wanted to get the majority done so we wouldn’t have to worry about doing much in the morning. The packing of the car was beginning. We had to act and fast! We had a family meeting in the tent and it was decided we had to get the bundle. As soon as the parents were looking a different way Anthony tore open the garbage bag and rummaged for my poo. GOT IT! 

He ran. He ran as if he was an athlete. He ran as if his life depended on it. He ran as if……as if he was holding my warm poo and vomit.  I watched as he passed me and then the tent. He then disappeared being a cluster of rocks.  I casually mentioned that I was going to start cleaning up the tent. I crept behind the rocks.

What happened behind that cluster of rocks was a changing moment for me….for us. There was my husband…..burying my poo, frantically. I bent down and looked into his eyes, “I am really sorry it came to this.” He was sick to his stomach as he placed plastic into the earth. I was sick to my stomach at the thought of a cougar sniffing out my stomach contents and waking up to it being scattered everywhere. “Make the hole really deep.” 

The deed was done. We rinsed our hands with bottled water and hand sanitizer and walked back to the tent. We were changed. We would never be the same individuals again. The trip had molded us into people we didn’t want to be. It had to be done though.

We crawled into bed that night. Sleep soon was overcoming me, for I was truly exhausted with the days dramatic events….. “Wait, Linds…..are you asleep.” Anth whispered from his side of the tent…. “Did you poo over the sleeping bag or did you do it by the door?”………….. “Anth, just go to sleep. Lets put this behind us.”

2nd Place Winner: Kelli! I found your story to be extremely embarrassing and 100% entertaining to read. The reason I did not choose you as number one is because fortunately for you, nobody knew what had happened. Can you imagine if someone had seen this unfold? You are proud new owner of a $15 Target gift card. With this card, maybe you could get you 2 or 3 tide to go time you won't have to discard of the particular item you had to eventually throw away. Thanks so much for sharing, I know that wasn't easy.

1st Place Winner: This person not only had an excellent story but they were so looking forward to my story which warmed my heart. Dear Tyrel, you are the new owner of a $20 Target gift card. Your story was absolutely horrifying. Not only did you have a period mishap but you were oblivious to it the entire time while onlookers made fun of you. AWFUL! Thank you so much for sharing your story and for being such a great supporter. $20 will get you 2-3 boxes of super absorbency tampons....get the active brand though.

Honorable Mentions: nipple photo, MIL finding dildo, dandruff eater, and all the period stories totally rocked my world! Thanks so much for being so brave! Wasn't this fun?

***All winners please email me your address, I will get your cards sent out to you by the end of the week.***



Tyrel said...

Oh linds....scuse me, let me compose myself. My cheeks and stomach hurt from laughing. Even with me being super competitive, winning the most embarrassing story contest comes in second to getting to hear that gem of a story! You and anth are in too deep, you two can never leave each other now, you are stuck with each other, bonded over poo. How cute, it really is a story for the ages! You are lucky I live in Yuma and won't be around to see you a couple times a year Cuz believe you me, it would get real awkward, real fast :). I will try to forget the story by the next time I see you. hahaha! Thanks for sharing! (now let the poo innuendos begin - hazzah)

Kelsey Fairbanks said...

I went back and read all the stories... i couldn't even compose myself. I'm at work, and the phones keep ringing, and I can't even focus! This is super fun!

Life as Linds said...

Hahah! I am glad you enjoyed it. I was kind of panicked when I posted it.....the title should be T.M.I. I can't imagine what his mom and step dad are going to say. Oh boy. Anyways, thanks for reading! Hope you have an enjoyable day!

Alicia said...

Can't believe you actually went inside your tent. Awesome story. Totally worth the 12 other stories to get it.

Life as Linds said...

Good! I was hoping I wasn't hyping it up too much.

Tyrel said...

Lindsey - I am sorry, i really can't stop laughing about this. It will keep a smile on my face for days. You win hands down! You can't make that up. It should be in the movie. I am thinking bridesmaids II. I will pitch it to them. still laughing....tyrel

The DeGiulio's said...

Thanks for sharing. I could feel the horror & embarrassment for you while reading it.