Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Judge ye not, lest ye be judged

Take a seat. It is story time......

I haven't shared many work stories for awhile. But as of lately a particular couple has brought a lot of notable moments worth sharing. Now before I start I would like to begin by saying that I enjoy the patients at my work. I love the witty old women and the adorable old men that pretend to be grumpy. There are quite a few middle aged woman that remind me of my Mom and a lot of them bring in treats which really brighten my day. I even enjoy the majority of the people my age that come in.

Then there is this particular couple. Please hold while I think of something positive to say about them........................................
......... ................. .............
.. ..... Dang, I got nothing. Did someone mention the word "hold"? That reminds me of a phone conversation I had with the husband just a couple of days ago.

"Thanks for calling, this is Lindsey, can you hold please?"
"Fine, if you hurry."
.......30ish seconds later.....
"Sorry for the hold, this is Lindsey, how can I help you?"
"Hold? {In disgusting seductive voice} Well I haven't been given the opportunity to hold you yet."

Creeper right?! Yuck. A couple of months ago I saw a dateline episode (Yes, I still watch it) about a serial killer. He was a truck driver and he drove around the country killing people (because that is what serial killers do). He disposed of the body by chaining them to the bottom of his truck and eventually their remains were disintegrated due to the asphalt. It was horrifying and it has been something that I don't think I will ever forget. This creeper is a truck driver. He smells. He makes all of the girls uncomfortable and as soon as I met him I instantly thought of this dateline episode. I finally took a stand and mentioned in a meeting that from now on only guys should be able to work with him.

Enough about him. His wife is....perfect for him. She has a beard. It is wicked sweet! You know when Daddy would shave but you could still see the hair under the skin.....because Dad had thick black hair? Yep, this wife has the same stubble. I feel bad for her. I feel even worse that she fell in love with such a nasty man. I hope she is happy though. I hope he treats her okay.

Next we have a riddle. This riddle comes from a pal at work. He has the privilege of working closely with these two. He is a hoot and he feel the same way that I do about scalp licker. He approached me a couple of weeks ago with a big grin on his face and rattled off this cherry of a riddle....

"What is pink, between two cheeks and is not a tongue?"

If you picked:
A: Pork Swords
B: Ball Park Hotdog
C: A Pigs Curly Q Tail
You are all wrong. I instantly thought of A...I have a dirty mind I guess. I must have given a startled look because he realized his mistake and quickly mentioned that "No, that is not what the answer is." The answer turned out be the bearded ladies intense hot pink spandex wedgie. It was as deep as the grand canyon.

These stories are the things that get me through the days at work. Judge me if you must but paperwork is mundane, insurance phone calls are awful, sexual harassment moments are uncomfortable, but wedgies.....that is something we can all bond over.

Today after work I decided that it was time to sign up for the gym. It is too cold to go running outside. I am plumping up like a balloon and motivation is low. The gym is right by my work and only $10 a month and I can opt out as soon as the sun comes back in the Spring. I put on my yoga pants, a big hoodie and my new gym shoes and headed out with a fully charged zune. While signing up for the membership my pal from work approached me. We spoke for a moment and he went on his merry way to finish his work out.

The elliptical was brutal. My once toned muscley calves are a thing of the past and I barely made it 30 minutes. While I walked to the treadmill to cool down I caught a glimpse in the mirror and the same sentence kept repeating in my head as I strolled on the treadmill....

"What is grey, between two cheeks and is not a tongue?"

Oh my goodness! Could it be? Is the same thing I accused a poor defenseless bearded lady happening to me? Thank goodness I had a hoodie to semi cover the area. I then did a couple side shimmy scoots to see if I could fix the issue. It didn't feel like there was any creepage.....but it certainly appeared that way. I looked over at my coworker and the thought of this becoming my riddle instead of her riddle brought a panic to my oxygen depleting body.

It was another life lesson.....

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

I might have been a little dramatic. Maybe it was a trick of the mirror. Or maybe my butt has grown and this was a way to motivate me to continue to go to the gym. But.....from now on I am not going to make fun of bearded lady about her wedgies anymore. That is my promise (: Now, the beard.....I can't make any promises for that.


Jan DeGiulio said...

Fun post...I need it today!

Shanna said...

OMG! What a a horrifying moment! Thank you for sharing made my night. It's amazing how quickly reality can sneak up and remind us how imperfect everyone is. Bahahaha! I leave you with this, for no other reason than it has been in my head since yesterday..."Oh MB!"

Shanna said...

OMG! What a a horrifying moment! Thank you for sharing made my night. It's amazing how quickly reality can sneak up and remind us how imperfect everyone is. Bahahaha! I leave you with this, for no other reason than it has been in my head since yesterday..."Oh MB!"

Alicia said...

Nothing worse then having a wedgie, especially in public. Any way, way to commit to going to the gym.