This is going to get sappy and whiny.....and most likely emotional.
I love it here. I have become so aware of who I want to be "when I grow up". It is amazing how complacent I have been as of lately with myself. Spiritually, physically, and mentally. I can already feel a change within me and it it so needed.
Today while in church I had this overwhelming feeling of gratitude for my Heavenly Father. I know that he knows me as an individual. He knows what I need and when I need it. He knows that the sister in the ward that has been through some hard things and that has an adorable personality will be a perfect match as a visiting teaching partner for me, which I so greatly need.
He knows that I am trying so hard to get to know people and to try to not be so introverted. And instead of overwelming me with a big calling, he gives me a calling where I can use my creativity and get to know people at my own pace.
He knows that I need wonderful leaders and teachers to help me to better understand why, when and where.
This is so unlike me to discuss spritual things on my blog. But I truly feel blessed today.
I have discussed this with a couple of people as of lately....this topic of social interaction. I seriously have the hardest time around people and it is so debilitating. I feel so vulnerable and.....ridiculous. I don't know if it stems from high school and the misconception that I was insignificant but I know I am of greater worth. I just need to be more confident....
Last night Anth and I went to a wonderful church activity where a lovely couple discussed their marriage and ways to not only be a better spouse but to have better relationships with those around you, weather that be with your children, coworkers or neighbor. It was really enjoyable.
Before the speakers began to speak someone from the ward came over and introduced himself, which happens quite often and something we are still trying to get comfortable with....small talk is not something we are really good at. The speakers were about to start and this man extended his hand and shook Anthony's hand before he took a seat next to his wife. But before he walked away I extended my hand for a shake.....and there my arm stood, in mid air, waiting to be shook. Instead of seeing that I too wanted to be in the shakers club, the man walked away and I quickly retrieved my arm.
My face went red. Anthony apologized for the embarrassing moment (although it was nobody's fault) and I instantly felt my head begin to pound. I thought about this throughout the hour and as soon as the talk was over we grabbed a treat and quickly left, although Anthony wanted to stay and attempt to be social.
As I settled into bed I began to contemplate a couple of things:
#1 How many people saw this exchange (or lack thereof)? And if they did...who cares?
#2 Why did I let this one experience prevent me from getting to know other people that night?
#3 It was nothing I did wrong (or the man) so why did I feel like such a complete failure?
#4 My insecurities prevented Anthony from developing a potential friendship.
Basically the word that kept popping up was...fail. It seems insignificant now but these little social mishaps have been happening a lot. I know I put a lot of pressure on myself. Who cares if I make a total embarrassment of myself? That is why I am here right? To learn, and to make adjustments. It is going to happen again, hopefully not in the same context but without a doubt I will run out of things to say, I will forget someones name, I will stare off into the abyss when it is my turn to reciprocate during a conversation. But at the end of the day, that's okay. People will forget, I will move on and I will grow from the experience. And that is what is suppose to happen.
I am grateful for this community and the blessings we have already received from moving here and I look forward to the experience (weather good or bad) that we will face. I hope that I continue to find the good in every experience .
And as for the orange dessert? I made cupcakes instead....and they turned out just fine.