This is going to get sappy and whiny.....and most likely emotional.
I love it here. I have become so aware of who I want to be "when I grow up". It is amazing how complacent I have been as of lately with myself. Spiritually, physically, and mentally. I can already feel a change within me and it it so needed.
Today while in church I had this overwhelming feeling of gratitude for my Heavenly Father. I know that he knows me as an individual. He knows what I need and when I need it. He knows that the sister in the ward that has been through some hard things and that has an adorable personality will be a perfect match as a visiting teaching partner for me, which I so greatly need.
He knows that I am trying so hard to get to know people and to try to not be so introverted. And instead of overwelming me with a big calling, he gives me a calling where I can use my creativity and get to know people at my own pace.
He knows that I need wonderful leaders and teachers to help me to better understand why, when and where.
This is so unlike me to discuss spritual things on my blog. But I truly feel blessed today.
I have discussed this with a couple of people as of lately....this topic of social interaction. I seriously have the hardest time around people and it is so debilitating. I feel so vulnerable and.....ridiculous. I don't know if it stems from high school and the misconception that I was insignificant but I know I am of greater worth. I just need to be more confident....
Last night Anth and I went to a wonderful church activity where a lovely couple discussed their marriage and ways to not only be a better spouse but to have better relationships with those around you, weather that be with your children, coworkers or neighbor. It was really enjoyable.
Before the speakers began to speak someone from the ward came over and introduced himself, which happens quite often and something we are still trying to get comfortable with....small talk is not something we are really good at. The speakers were about to start and this man extended his hand and shook Anthony's hand before he took a seat next to his wife. But before he walked away I extended my hand for a shake.....and there my arm stood, in mid air, waiting to be shook. Instead of seeing that I too wanted to be in the shakers club, the man walked away and I quickly retrieved my arm.
My face went red. Anthony apologized for the embarrassing moment (although it was nobody's fault) and I instantly felt my head begin to pound. I thought about this throughout the hour and as soon as the talk was over we grabbed a treat and quickly left, although Anthony wanted to stay and attempt to be social.
As I settled into bed I began to contemplate a couple of things:
#1 How many people saw this exchange (or lack thereof)? And if they did...who cares?
#2 Why did I let this one experience prevent me from getting to know other people that night?
#3 It was nothing I did wrong (or the man) so why did I feel like such a complete failure?
#4 My insecurities prevented Anthony from developing a potential friendship.
Basically the word that kept popping up was...fail. It seems insignificant now but these little social mishaps have been happening a lot. I know I put a lot of pressure on myself. Who cares if I make a total embarrassment of myself? That is why I am here right? To learn, and to make adjustments. It is going to happen again, hopefully not in the same context but without a doubt I will run out of things to say, I will forget someones name, I will stare off into the abyss when it is my turn to reciprocate during a conversation. But at the end of the day, that's okay. People will forget, I will move on and I will grow from the experience. And that is what is suppose to happen.
I am grateful for this community and the blessings we have already received from moving here and I look forward to the experience (weather good or bad) that we will face. I hope that I continue to find the good in every experience .
And as for the orange dessert? I made cupcakes instead....and they turned out just fine.
9 comments:
I understand feeling awkward about social situations. I'm definitely someone who reviews all the things I've said wrong, and then proclaim, "Never, never again," and then retrieve in my little bubble. I really think females tend to do this. My husband tells me that I need to quit over analyzing everything. I guess I have to look at the other away around as well.
I always very appreciative when someone takes the time to introduce and talks to me, and I seldom remember the quips and hangups of that person's conversation (just mine). I'm just glad they spoke to me.
Don't be so hard on yourself! I know it's easier said than done, but celebrate small victories and remember that moving into a new social situation is hard work and takes time. It's taken me about a year to feel comfortable both times we have moved. What has helped me is having people over for dinner, dessert, FHE, whatever because I feel comfortable in my home and there's time to relax and talk. You are wonderful and people will get to know you and love you too! I read this post (http://shannonbrown.typepad.com/life_in_general/2013/02/hello-my-name-is.html) a bit ago and thought they were helpful. Good luck! Just keep trying!
Oh, Lindsey! You are just like me - I'm sorry!!! I do the exact same thing with the over-analyzing and beating myself up for days on end (seriously - days and days)! I've stopped making FB posts because I feel like everything I write is being judged, I've stopped making comments in church because I feel like I always say dumb things, and I turn my eyes away when I see someone who intimidates me in ANY social setting - even the grocery store - because I'm afraid I won't say the "right" thing. My street just got split out of our ward and put into another existing ward that is very different from my old ward. The people are very nice, but it's been hard for me to make the transition. I have committed to meeting as many people as I can and not worry about what any of them think about me (even though I've already said dumb things) because as your blog header said - "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." I try to remind myself of this often now. You, Lindsey, are amazing, and so not alone in feeling this frustration!!!
It is rough being new to a ward and trying to get to know others. I totally know how you feel. You are awesome and a great friend. As people get to know you they will see it.
I'm right there with you. It's really difficult to say how someone so far away is feeling almost exactly, but somehow... you do it. The only comment I have is... please move to canada so we can be socially awkward together and leave other people's handshakes in the air. You're not a failure, by any stretch. I get sucked into the pinterest thing too... and I'm starting to think half of it is fake and made up. Love ya linds!
I find myself feeling awkward all of the time. I also like to think back on high school and blame it on that. I was never 'cool' and I perceive everyone around me as being higher socially than me. I would have thought that I would be over that by now, but any time I am around people that I don't know well my automatic assumption is that they are 'cooler' than me.
I've started to decide that it all comes down to how you view yourself. Once you are okay with you it changes your perspective on what you think other people are thinking of you. Just remind yourself that you really do have lots of friends. You are such a great person to know. You are hilarious, creative, friendly, and so talented in many other areas. It is a privilege to know you, so just remind yourself of that when you are meeting new people.
I'm a total recluse myself. We are about to move in a few months and I am absolutely terrified because I know that where we are going is a very social area.... :( I just like to be left alone! But, I do realize that being a recluse isn't very Christlike so I am trying to branch out more.
Being social and making "new" friends is so hard. I think it's because we constantly feel judged, but at some point you have to move past it and just be yourself!
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" :)
Oh how I love you. Both of you. I love to chat with the both of you because I feel like we are kindred spirits. Truly. I hope you feel loved...because you are. :)
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